Rambling....

For some odd reason I keep reflecting on what our little family has gone through the past year and I try to compare it to where we are now. When I first found out about Ellie's condition, I cried. I don't believe that I have ever cried like that before the news of hydrosephalis. And now I find myself crying almost just as hard and frequently. I have a dear friend that has gone through an incredible heartbreak recently. Her journey started out with hydrosephalis too. Our paths are quite different regarding this crazy disease. My baby is here and her baby is back in Heaven. Sometimes I wonder why my baby stayed and why hers didn't. But I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for all of us and I also think that maybe her baby was just too good for this life. I feel for my friend and I can't imagine going through what she is going through right now, but in a small way our grief has a lot of similarities. Both of our lives have been forever changed because of this disease and I have found that our reflection on life 's plans are up in the air. We both have no idea where this new world will take us. I hope for the day that I can feel a little in control of my life again, but I have also realized that we are not here for ourselves, even a little bit. Earl and I went out of town last weekend and the ward we were visiting had some incredible speakers. They spoke of service. I have been having a difficult time lately trying to figure out where my old life a year ago fits in with my new life presently. And the truth of the matter is that it doesn't really fit right now. I keep trying to make it work, to balance all of it, but my heart is completely into Ellie and my family. I think it might be this way because of the appointments and therapy that keep me hopping, but also because my perspective has changed. I want to keep serving others and I feel like a failure because I am not even getting anything accomplished in regards to serving anyone outside my family. But how do I do anything full heartedly when my passion for the things I loved before is gone? I guess gone is pretty harsh. I love the scouting program and I still love music and teaching, but how do I balance this along with these crucial years ahead for my daughter? Wow, the famous saying that goes something like "Life isn't supposed to be easy, only worth it..." is very true. Maybe this is the time where family does come first or maybe I haven't given myself enough time to adjust. Is there an adjustment period that ends? What if it really doesn't end and I end up not serving others like I am supposed to. One of the speakers said that those that lose there life to serving others ends up finding their lives in the process. Am I going to be all that Heavenly Father wants me to be? Or will I fall short because I can't figure out how to do it all? And how am I a good example to my children if I can't even figure out how to show them how important it is that we serve others around us and not just ourselves? After all of this mumbo jumbo of rambling on, I guess that my answer is still time... I need time... time to figure out what my Father in Heaven wants me to do...time to sort out my emotions with this entire experience and where I am supposed to go with all of it. Strength is not something you are...I believe it is something we all grow into depending on what challenges we each have. Maybe I need time to build up more strength to handle what is to come. My dear friend has been an amazing source of strength to me. I know that she is much stronger than me and I am looking forward to being able to learn and grow from her strength. One thing that I do know is that I am stronger now than I was before this life changing experience. And although I may not feel strong enough to to do everything I need to every day, I have a chance to build my strength and I hope to be able to add my old life back in with my new life. We have a busy week ahead of us with more Boise appointments. Hopefully Ellie will get feeling better. She is dealing with her first cold right now, but so far is handling it pretty good. More updates to come soon! Thanks for everyone who gives me strength and shows their love toward our family. I don't know where we would be without you...